An Honest Confession – I’m Afraid of Failure!

This is just an honest update about me and this book that I am supposedly writing. I’m going to give some background, be honest, tell you what happened yesterday, and ask you for prayer!

I never set out to write a book, or even have a blog for that matter. It all started about two and a half years ago with the website called Recovering Grace. Yes, I had spent ten plus years in a cult (I didn’t call it that back then), but I had tried to put it all behind me. It wasn’t something I talked about. Even my husband didn’t know most of the stories or the ways the teachings had affected me. Then Recovering Grace happened.

IMG_3567Recovering Grace is a website run by former ATI (Advanced Training Institute) students. ATI is the homeschool program created by Bill Gothard, creator of the Institute in Basic Life Principles. The Duggars use this curriculum (which if you dig deep explains a lot of their behaviors and beliefs),and so did my family. If you Google Bill Gothard right now, you will find that he, and IBLP, are being sued for sexual misconduct by 18 plaintiffs (which is the very tip of the ice berg since one of the plaintiffs was his driver for a few years and says he witnessed over 150 young ladies being harassed). You get the picture.

Two and a half years ago, Recovering Grace started publishing stories about women who were sexually harassed. Once they published these, the wheel started turning; people came forward from the 1970s and gave them hard copy information alleging financial and sexual misconduct, manipulation, intimidation, slander, etc. I started remembering, dissecting, processing.  After joiningg a Facebook community of former ATI students, I encountered many people who wanted nothing to do with Jesus or God because of the “Christianity” they experienced. It completely broke my heart! I realized that I was one of a few former ATI students who still considered themselves a Christian, who still had a relationship with Jesus.

I spent time in soul searching and introspection. As I thought about the lies we were taught about God and Jesus, I started to realize that the same lies are subtly present in much of Modern Western Christianity. Jesus found me in the middle of the legalism and lies, and showed me how to know Him. That is my desperate desire for the world…to actually KNOW God because of His Son, Jesus.

That was the beginning of this whole crazy journey. God wants me to write a book. He has made that abundantly clear over the past few years. But I don’t want to, and I have been dragging my feet. Mostly because I am afraid.

Look at what God has done!

  • As all of this went down, God confirmed that I was supposed to write, even having another woman say out of the blue, “Maybe you need to write a book”.
  • I started my blog, despite having reservations.
  • The speaker for  our spring Ladies Day at church not only confirmed my calling, but gave me the next step, the Speak Up Conference which just happened to be in Grand Rapids.
  • I won a full scholarship to the 2014 conference!
  • At the conference I shared my One Page (kind of like an introduction to your book idea) with a publisher and an agent and they were both interested. This does not happen!
  • After the conference, I freaked out and although I continued to occasionally blog, I ignored the whole book idea.
  • God did not let me get away. I continued to run into people who reminded me that He wanted me to write a book. I had plenty of excuses.
  • Over a year later, I revised my One Page and sent it to another agent (referred to me by a writer friend). She loved it and wanted to work with me. This does not happen either!
  • The Speak Up Conference this summer “just happens” to be on the only weekend that would work (since I’m working as the health officer at camp again) and they are willing to give me a significant discount.
  • I found an awesome cabin that I can get for cheap, on a lake, to go and focus on writing since I’m supposed to get my full Book Proposal done before the conference this summer.
  • BUT, I’m freaking out!! And freezing and wanting to run away…

All of this brings me to yesterday. We had a guest speaker at church. The minute he opened his mouth I realized that God was speaking to me, including a pounding heart and tingles going down my spine.

“If you’re on mission, just do what you’re supposed to do.”

Then he asked four questions, questions that originally came from Jesus.

  1. What are you afraid of? Failure, rejection, change, success, basically everything!
  2. What do you want God to do? This question scares the crap out of me. If I actually allow myself to dream, I’d say, I want God to use this book to push people to evaluate their Christianity, to make them question their beliefs, to see lies, and to start seeking for the real God, the God who is only more than we can ever imagine. I want people to realize that if they are feeling discontent and disillusioned with their version of Christianity, maybe they too have found an impostor and not the real Jesus. I want God to use my book to bring people to a real relationship with Him!
  3. What are your excuses? (Do you want to get well?) I have plenty! Trust me! Including not having time, being the mother of small children, not being wise enough or good enough or etc.
  4. Who do you say God is? If God is really who I say I believe He is, then I just need to shut up and get to work. It’s one thing to believe in my head and another to believe with my heart.

Ok, this brings me to the end of a very long blog post (389 words over my normal limit). Friends, I need you to pray for me! Pray that my faith will be stronger than my fear. Pray that I will stop making excuses. Pray that I will be obedient! I’m going to be starting a prayer team. If you are interested in joining me, please let me know on Facebook or by contacting me here. I’m closing with a final thought from the speaker-sent-from-God. 🙂

“God doesn’t measure success; He measures obedience.” Thank goodness!!!!!


11 thoughts on “An Honest Confession – I’m Afraid of Failure!

  1. Christy — you have no idea how much you have encouraged me through your blog and facebook musings over the few short years I’ve known you. I’ve sifted through so many of the ATI beliefs myself, trying to get a clearer picture of what true Christianity and living in grace looks like. There are times when I did really want to just throw it all out the window. I teared up just reading this — because I can feel your fears (all the way over here in Scotland. 😉 ) Thanks for being so transparent, raw and authentic. I want to be a part of your prayer team. (I also want a copy of your first edition when it’s written. 😉 ) Love and appreciate you.

  2. Sweet friend! I love this post! I love that God measures obedience and not success… I want to be part of your prayer team and help you in any other way I can! I know God has used you and your story in a mighty way in my life, and I know He’s going to continue to use you in so many other lives too! Just keep obeying… you’ve got this! Love you, friend!

  3. I followed you over from a comment on another blog I read this morning and I am so, so blessed to be visiting here and wandering around your pages. I can tell I will spend a great deal of time wandering here and allowing the Lord to show me things that He can use in my own life as I sift thru my own weeds for some well rooted truths!

    • Praise God! This is why I write, and I needed some encouragement that I was on the right track today. 🙂 Thank you for commenting! I pray that you will find the crazy, amazing, mind-blowing, awesome God of the Universe, outside of any man-made box, who has promised that if we seek him we will find him!

  4. Dear Christy, I want to be part of the team that prays for you to faith bigger than fear! I want to pray for you as you write this book! Much love, Aunt Sonia

  5. I was caught up in a fundamentalist Christianity for some years and I both am grateful for the many experiences I had with God during that time and regrets that I raised my children in a black and white Christianity. When you use the word “obedient” I must admit I cringe. I used to use that word too. Today the God of my understanding is so much more amazing because we partner together on the journey that is my life. Just as Abraham asked God to change God’s mind and God did, I can say “Father/Mother, I would like to try this on for a while. Okay?” and my loving Divine Mother/Father says, “Yes my sweet girl. Go right on ahead. I will be here and I will make sure that you learn from your experiences.” The God that demands “obedience” is not a part of my relationship now. I used to say to my friends in that church where I raised my children who used to have such stringent rules for themselves, “We have so much freedom in Christ.” I had no idea what I was really saying at the time. I do now. I am free. I serve a gracious God who honors my curious and courageous spirit. Many a past traumas have been worked out by getting into “trouble” and working through it holding the hand of the Lover of My Soul.

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