Have you ever had one of those seasons of life where it feels like everything is imploding at once? Where just putting one foot in front of the other seems like too much?
That was this summer.
I usually write about what is on my heart…what I’m thinking about, going through, etc. But I couldn’t. So I just didn’t write anything. For a long time.
Well this is me picking up the hammer, smashing the glass of silence, and being honest.
Camp: It’s been 14 years since I first set foot on my favorite camp. It’s a small place, nothing grand, but as I’ve said before, it holds my heart. So many of the monumental moments of my life are centered around that place. I found grace and freedom my first summer at camp, met my husband while working there, and both of my children were born while we were there as interns. But even though I love my little camp, this summer was really hard. I made a lot of mistakes, struggled with some relationships, and left the summer feeling emotionally and physically drained. Working at summer camp is never easy, but this year was just exceptionally tough on me.
This is not to say it was all bad. There were some wonderful highlights, moments with campers, friendships with staff, watching God work…
Book: After a great Speak Up Conference where it seemed like God was flinging open the door for my book, I got an email from the agent I’ve been working with, telling me that her agency isn’t interested in working with me after all. They have some concerns about my book proposal and don’t feel they can move forward. This was super confusing to me because the agent was the one who helped me write the book proposal in the first place. Since this news came during a time at camp where I was already emotionally spent, I totally lacked the energy to deal with it. I didn’t even reply to her email (real mature, I know), and instead just closed the lid on writing.
I still don’t know what I am going to do. I have publishing houses who expressed interest in seeing my proposal, but with the recent feedback from the agent, I’m not even sure I want to send it in. Not to mention, I’m feeling a little disillusioned with the Christian writing/speaking sphere lately…all this push to be “spectacular”. I don’t want to be spectacular. I just want to be real, and honest, and rebellious. And while I’m ranting, you should know that I’m NEVER wearing a blazer. (Sorry if you are reading this as a speaker/writer who wears blazers…I’m sure they look fantastic on you!)
Church: Some of you know that I am married to an associate pastor (mostly he focuses on youth and children’s ministry). Church ministry is not easy, you guys! Sometimes I think being a pastor and pastor’s wife is one of the most stressful and loneliest jobs on the planet. Our church is growing right now, which is a wonderful thing! But as we switch to two services this fall, and as my husband’s youth group has grown from 9 to 50+ kids over the past four years, it’s also a lot of work!
This summer was one of those times when we had to reevaluate our calling. (Something I think people in ministry should do rather frequently.) We had gut level, honest conversations, and we began to pray for God to either revive our passion or show us the next step.
It’s very clear that Jesus is currently reviving us! God is doing some awesome things in our church right now and we are super excited to be a part of them.
Why are we so afraid to be real? I know I’m not the only one who had a less-than-stellar summer.
You know what? Even though this summer pretty much sucked sometimes, God never stopped being God. Jesus never lost control. And, the Holy Spirit never left my side. Even when I didn’t understand what was going on, They never changed! The biggest lesson I learned? Sometimes we just have to hold onto His promises and run blind.