Is anyone really as confident as they seem?
Or if we are honest, do we all struggle with insecurity to some degree?
Most of the time I come across very confident…bold, outgoing, friendly, enthusiastic…sometimes I even fool myself. But thanks to my rough summer and subsequent counseling sessions, I am discovering just how much I struggle with insecurity. If I feel safe with you, you might already know this about me: Despite the fact that I am typically pretty friendly, my modus operandi is to assume that I’m not good enough and that therefore people don’t like me.
I often feel “not good enough” and maybe you do too.
It was the summer we got engaged. My then-boyfriend’s home town was having this big “start of summer” festival and he wanted to go. We were both working at camp, but it was the weekend, his town was near by, and why not? It sounded fun. Since it was a chilly evening and we were at camp, I threw on some jeans, grabbed a hoodie, and off we went.
I forgot that everyone in this town drinks “perfect juice” that miraculously turns into Barbie and Ken look-a-likes. Of course we ran into tons of his old friends, and of course most of them were girls who decided to wear awesome outfits, gorgeous makeup, and incredible hair that evening. After meeting one too many perfect women (that I definitely couldn’t compete with in my camp sweatshirt and jeans) I retreated to the nearest port-a-potty to recover. Fortunately, my cousin had come to visit for the weekend and she followed me. We had a conversation through the plastic door that went something like this.
“I can’t take it any more! I’m done.”
“What’s the matter?”
“Don’t you see these girls? They are all so much prettier and more put together than me. I can’t deal with it!”
“Christy, it’s okay. He chose you. And he loves you just like you are.”
“It’s not okay. And I’m not coming out.”
While I eventually left my refuge in the port-a-potty and my now-hubby comforted me enough to continue the evening, my insecurity problem remains. That was over ten years ago, but I still do silly things like this. Seriously you guys, sometimes I still hide from people who scare me! (Yup, I’m that mature. Haha!)
I’ve been thinking a lot about insecurity and the identity-crisis behind it. I’m starting to see that many of my own ugly habits and sinful struggles are rooted in insecurity. Perhaps many of the difficult and/or obnoxious people we meet are also just struggling with their identity.
Our identity…who we are…this is such a large and loaded topic.
I used to say things like this: I am a pastor’s wife. I am a stay-at-home mom. I am a camp health officer. I am a blogger. I am a hopeful writer. Problem is, a lot of those things got rocky this summer and as a result, my identity was shaken and I became insecure.
I’m starting to realize that much of this list is just stuff that I do; these things do not make me who I am.
So then, who am I? How do I define my identity with things that cannot be shaken or changed? I need to take my eyes off these earthly things that seem so important and go deeper, go eternal.
I am a creation of the God of the Universe. I am adored by my Creator. I am a redeemed sinner. I am a daughter of the King of Kings who also…
- has a husband who works as a pastor.
- has two beautiful children here on earth and two in heaven with Jesus.
- sometimes works at camp.
- likes to write.
These are descriptions of my life, but they are not who I am at my core. I’m realizing that I need to let Jesus define me, let Him give me my identity. This is way easier said than done and I’m guessing that I will be writing more than one blog post on this topic before I get it semi-figured out. 🙂 Thanks for hanging in there with me.
Sometimes I get this feeling that we are only scratching the surface of what it means to be alive in Jesus. I want more and I know that this “identity crisis” is part of the journey!