A Peek Inside My Heart

Welcome to a peek inside my heart… A random collection of my current thoughts and experiences. 


A year ago I was in the middle of the darkest season I’ve ever gone through. It was bitter, and painful, and long. It felt like the Valley of the Shadow of Death that David talks about in Psalm 23. There were times that I just wanted to die. It completely broke me.

I’ll be honest, healing takes time. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing good, and sometimes it still hurts. Last week, memories were coming back in a flood. I stood there in church during worship fighting back tears…just one person among hundreds…feeling so alone.

“Your brokenness was a gift.”

I heard the Holy Spirit’s gentle whisper…five words in the core of my heart. And as I recognized the truth, the feelings of pain, loss, and despair slowly melted away…

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me” Psalm 23:4.

Jesus WAS with me! I feel like I walked through fire but didn’t get burned. Instead, I got melted. Which is a good thing! 🙂

Good gifts came from my melted brokenness.

I had six sessions with a fabulous therapist who is also a Jesus follower. After our first day, where I just poured out my heart, she spoke these words. “You have been hurt.” Sometimes we just need people who will acknowledge our pain. God used her to start my healing journey.


I found a book called, “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse” by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Seriously, every Christian should read this book! It put my experiences as a teen and young adult with Bill Gothard and IBLP into perspective while opening my eyes to more prevalent issues. Any of us are capable of abusing others when we lose sight of (or never experience) a life of grace in Christ.

I am less sure of myself and more willing to listen to others. Which brings me to my next step of learning and discovery…

When I first started the (lengthly) process of writing Impostor Jesus, there were three popular memoirs that irritated me. These authors all came from conservative evangelical Christian backgrounds but became disillusioned and left. They have large followings. I was frustrated because I went through “more extreme” circumstances and I still believed in an evangelical version of Jesus. How dare they lead people astray?! Prideful much?

Then I got melted and things changed. I’m realizing that there is a huge number of people who are angry and disillusioned with the evangelical church, and they have legitimate reasons. Their stories have value. Their hurts need to be validated.

I bought those three memoirs on Amazon and I’m looking forward to reading them. Not as someone trying to pick apart theology or judge beliefs, but as someone feeling their pain.


Which brings me to my book.

I’m still planning on writing Impostor Jesus, but it’s changing. I’m realizing that my extreme experience in legalism is simply part of a larger problem. The modern Christian church is too often just a religious system instead of a group of people who love and follow Christ. We’ve lost sight of the real Jesus. If He showed up, I’m afraid we’d miss Him. Instead of being disciples, we would be the Pharisees…upset because God doesn’t fit our idea of who He is supposed to be.

It’s time for another revival, for another awakening. The church has been overhauled multiple times in the course of history. Let’s do it again!

11 thoughts on “A Peek Inside My Heart

  1. I can relate to your pain so very well. I too, have a burning desire to see a revival in the body of Christ. I pray God continues to heal your wounds as He does mine, but I believe God can use our experiences to model His love and grace to others. I avoided going to church for a couple years. It was very difficult to return, but He helped me to realize the importance of trusting Him and letting His faithfulness be enough. I was initially drawn to your blog because I recognized your authenticity and your conviction of God’s heart of grace. Keep sharing your heart Christy, God is using you to draw others to His extravagant love!

    • Thank you so much for the encouragement, Valerie! 😊 Pain is not fun, but I feel like every time I’ve experienced the most pain, I’ve also experienced the most of God. So I hear you! I’m glad you found your way back to church…it’s not perfect, but I know God has a plan for it!!

  2. So much food for thought in the post. I’m going to have to read it a couple more times as just when I got the message of your post, there was another one right behind it! I can relate to much of what you said. God seems to be speaking to me about brokenness as just before I read your post, I read something that said, it is the broken that are welcomed into the arms of God.
    One thing that made me pause while reading your post was the statement that you’re brokenness was a gift. If you could sum up in one sentence what that gift is, what would you say?

    • Hi Joni! Thanks for reaching out! That’s a really good question…one sentence.

      The biggest gift from my brokenness has been a humbling that is allowing me to experience the amazing grace of God in new ways and in turn extend it to others.

      Long sentence! 😆

      • It’s perfect. I asked because I have trouble being able to use the word gift in relation to what I’ve been through. I used to feel as though the pain I endured was tolerable as I knew God would use it to help others. That was before my husband passed away. Now, although I know God uses me to reach others, I still can’t seem to see my brokenness as a gift.
        You sure gave me a lot to think about though. I look forward to reading more from you.

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  5. Thanks for this article. I’m on a similar path. IBLP was a part of my homeschool experience and one of my mom’s close friends was really into it so it really affected me through her as well. I could say a lot about that but what I really want to say is that I’m right there with you. I’ve been pressing into the love of Jesus and discovering that Jesus isn’t a moralist. Jesus is love. I don’t want to preach at people anymore, or try to control them or tell them that hell is waiting for them (of all the mean, abusive things to say!!).

    I’m a repentant, recovering legalist. When I found out that the devil, not God, is the biggest legalist of all, that changed my life. But what changed how I treat people started with college a few years ago. For the first time in my life, I’m becoming really good friends with people who didn’t grow up being poisoned by religious legalism the way I did. I’ve made a lot of mistakes but I’ve also discovered the humanity of those who aren’t like me. I’m still discovering the power of love and gentleness. I still don’t agree with the lifestyle choices of some of my friends. But I don’t agree with legalists trying to clean fish they haven’t caught. Or cleaning them at all. When did we start trying to be the Holy Spirit? We’re sure a poor substitute! Thank God I finally found a healthy church that supports me in loving people who haven’t chosen Jesus yet!

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