A Peek Inside My Heart

Welcome to a peek inside my heart… A random collection of my current thoughts and experiences. 

zion-park-139012_1920

A year ago I was in the middle of the darkest season I’ve ever gone through. It was bitter, and painful, and long. It felt like the Valley of the Shadow of Death that David talks about in Psalm 23. There were times that I just wanted to die. It completely broke me.

I’ll be honest, healing takes time. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing good, and sometimes it still hurts. Last week, memories were coming back in a flood. I stood there in church during worship fighting back tears…just one person among hundreds…feeling so alone.

“Your brokenness was a gift.”

I heard the Holy Spirit’s gentle whisper…five words in the core of my heart. And as I recognized the truth, the feelings of pain, loss, and despair slowly melted away…

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me” Psalm 23:4.

Jesus WAS with me! I feel like I walked through fire but didn’t get burned. Instead, I got melted. Which is a good thing! 🙂

Good gifts came from my melted brokenness.

I had six sessions with a fabulous therapist who is also a Jesus follower. After our first day, where I just poured out my heart, she spoke these words. “You have been hurt.” Sometimes we just need people who will acknowledge our pain. God used her to start my healing journey.

IMG_7461

I found a book called, “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse” by David Johnson and Jeff Van Vonderen. Seriously, every Christian should read this book! It put my experiences as a teen and young adult with Bill Gothard and IBLP into perspective while opening my eyes to more prevalent issues. Any of us are capable of abusing others when we lose sight of (or never experience) a life of grace in Christ.

I am less sure of myself and more willing to listen to others. Which brings me to my next step of learning and discovery…

When I first started the (lengthly) process of writing Impostor Jesus, there were three popular memoirs that irritated me. These authors all came from conservative evangelical Christian backgrounds but became disillusioned and left. They have large followings. I was frustrated because I went through “more extreme” circumstances and I still believed in an evangelical version of Jesus. How dare they lead people astray?! Prideful much?

Then I got melted and things changed. I’m realizing that there is a huge number of people who are angry and disillusioned with the evangelical church, and they have legitimate reasons. Their stories have value. Their hurts need to be validated.

I bought those three memoirs on Amazon and I’m looking forward to reading them. Not as someone trying to pick apart theology or judge beliefs, but as someone feeling their pain.

IMG_7517

Which brings me to my book.

I’m still planning on writing Impostor Jesus, but it’s changing. I’m realizing that my extreme experience in legalism is simply part of a larger problem. The modern Christian church is too often just a religious system instead of a group of people who love and follow Christ. We’ve lost sight of the real Jesus. If He showed up, I’m afraid we’d miss Him. Instead of being disciples, we would be the Pharisees…upset because God doesn’t fit our idea of who He is supposed to be.

It’s time for another revival, for another awakening. The church has been overhauled multiple times in the course of history. Let’s do it again!

The Next Step (A Book Update and Blog Hop)

Blog-Hop-ButtonWow! What a week! I went from drowning in piles of meds during our special needs week at camp straight to the Speak Up! conference for writers and speakers. The days were crazy and the nights weren’t much better. If I wasn’t having nightmares about miscounting medications, I was dreaming that I couldn’t find the publisher I was supposed to meet with because they turned all the lights off.

Despite my sleep deprived state, or possibly because of it, I was able to meet with five editors and agents from different publishing houses. Every one of them has asked for my book proposal! This is pretty unusual and exciting…but, just because I send it to them doesn’t mean that their company will actually want to publish my book. Still, it was total confirmation that I am on the right track and that God is the one opening the doors for me.

I will be emailing the agent I have been working with on Monday to let her know of the interest. Most likely she will agree to sign a contract with me, and we will start sending my book proposal to the interested companies. It takes a few weeks to a few months to find out if a publishing company is actually interested in my  book (If they aren’t interested I will hear sooner). Then, if I get a contract from a publishing house, it will be about a year before my book is actually in print. So, lots of waiting ahead of me, but that’s okay. I am just so happy to have confirmation and a next step. It’s been quite the journey since I first thought God might possibly be asking me to write a book. 🙂

Camp Fun! (Clockwise from bottom left: Me and one of my favorite campers, new hammock and Chacos, and fun on the golf cart.)

New and old friends at Speak Up! (From the left: Jen Ferguson, Cindy Bultema, Carol Kent)

 

 

 

Powered by Linky Tools

Click here to enter your link and view this Linky Tools list…

I Got it Done! (Book Update)

IMG_4285

I got away this past weekend to a little “prayer cabin” on a lake to finish my book proposal for “Impostor Jesus”. I was unplugged, and by myself for three days. There was no wifi at the cabin and barely any cell service. When I called or texted anyone, I had to stand on top of the picnic table on the deck. But it was wonderful!

IMG_4279

One of the many places I spent time writing.

IMG_4264

Loved this screened in porch! Did some writing and journaling, enjoyed drinking coffee, or just sitting and thinking.

And I’m not sure which was better, the sunset…

IMG_4276

Or the mist rising off the lake the next morning!

IMG_4277

There were times I didn’t think I was going to make it, but thanks to multiple hikes, some ice cream, encouragement from my family, and a ton of help from the Holy Spirit, my book proposal for “Impostor Jesus” is finished! Whew!!

Now for some serious editing and then I will send it to my agent for some more editing. I am planning on attending the Speak  Up Conference in July and plan to take a finished book proposal with me. And then…? Who knows? It’s up to God! But, I will have been obedient and done my part. 🙂

Thank you to all of you who have prayed for and encouraged me the past few years!

IMG_4284

My  natural “unplugged” look, wahoo!

There is one more way that you can help me. If you would be willing to share with me (it might be put into the book proposal) why you would recommend my blog/writing, or how reading it has benefited your life, that would be amazing!! You can send me a message here through the “Contact” link or you can contact me via Facebook. Thanks!!