Reading through journals from your early twenties is a scary thing. Especially when those journals were written by an emotional, sheltered, homeschooled-in-a-cult young woman who was totally naive but thought she knew everything. (Insert face palm.) The first few were especially cringe worthy.
In preparation for Season Two of my podcast, I took my journals from the middle years with me on our road trip to Georgia over the New Year. These were the years after I got away from our cultic group and before I married my wonderfully opposite husband. As I got past the cringe and stopped judging myself so hard, I began to enjoy remembering those years. I was kind of a basket-case, but I definitely loved Jesus. And I enjoyed working with difficult children, especially showing God’s love to the most broken. It was fun to watch the Real Jesus strip extra stuff away as He pursued my heart.
In the midst of these journals and spending time with my brother’s family, I also took an enneagram test. I know, I know, I’m a little late to the party.
The results were not what I expected.
It wasn’t my first enneagram test. A few months ago I took one with the college girls I mentor and got a 2. For those of you not familiar with the enneagram personality test, the 2 is a Caregiver. These people love to connect with and serve others. They are empathetic and generous. It sounded like a lovely personality and I was very happy with my results.
Since taking that original test I’d found website on the enneagram that I really enjoyed. My husband, brother, and sister-in-law all took the test from that site and were nailed perfectly with the results. On a whim, I decided to retake my test.
I came out as a 4. A what?
Surely I must have taken the test too quickly and without enough thought. I tried again slowly this time with my husband backing my answers. It was still a 4.
4s are the Creative. They love to be unique, and meaningful, and artistic. The 4s basic desire is to be significant and they are full of emotions. I read the description in disbelief. What a terrible personality! I couldn’t be a 4 because I really wanted to be a 2. Obviously 2s were better, much more significant. Yeah…
After spending the evening and most of the night in denial, I began to face the facts. Sure, I like taking care of people. I’m a huge nurturer. But that’s not the biggest motivator of my heart.
I spent my entire childhood competing with my younger brother because his success made me feel insignificant. I’ve always flitted from one crazy project to the next but tend to be too temperamental to ever finish, or get accomplished at, anything…piano, singing, guitar, drawing, refinishing furniture, designing jewelry, making things with old wood, the list goes on.
Reading through my old journals, I was definitely a young 4…no doubt about it.
I processed almost all the way home. And then I decided that if I’m a Creative, if God has given me that personality, then I need to be a good steward of it and actually create. This is where the exciting changes come in.
I’ve reworked bits of my website. A few changes to the Home page…like calling it Welcome and changing some of the pictures and wording. Big changes to the Free Resources page…the devotional I put together is now available for download by anyone at anytime. It used to be tied to my email newsletter, but not any more.
And speaking of newsletters, this is the biggest change of all. I’m going to be starting a monthly newsletter called #rethink. It will have exclusive content in three categories: Something I’m Questioning, Something I’ve Read, and Something I’m Learning. My goal is to provide extra encouragement as we sort through cultural and religious Christianity on our journey to find the Real Jesus.
I finished up the rough draft of the first issue yesterday. If you already get my random newsletters that I send a couple of times a year, then #rethink 101 will be coming to your inbox this Wednesday (January 15th).
I know it’s kind of confusing, but just because you get my blog posts in your inbox doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get my newsletter. If you haven’t signed up for my email list yet, or aren’t sure, you can click here to join. 🙂
And there you go…it’s crazy what can happen when you start an adventure of self-discovery with Jesus. I love how God has created us all so unique with our own gifts and callings. It’s a beautiful thing.