When Someone You Love Deconstructs Their Faith

This post is outside of my normal audience.

Typically I’m writing to people who are deconstructing, rethinking faith, or trying to reconstruct their faith after religious trauma and spiritual abuse. Today I am writing to the people who love them and are concerned for them. Hello there!

Because those of you who will hopefully find this post are probably unfamiliar with me and my story, let me give a quick background. I spent the 90s in a Christian cult with my family. It was a conscious decision my parents made because they truly thought they were doing the best thing. Although they were always a bit skeptical and tried to just pick out the good parts, my parents didn’t realize the extent of the brainwashing my siblings and I received at youth events. They didn’t recognize that our impressionable, young minds weren’t capable of the critical thinking required to pick and choose truth.

The short version is that the Real Jesus found me in spite of the cult.

As I began to pursue my own relationship with Jesus, it became clear to me that the god our cult referenced and the God I knew couldn’t be the same God. Because it was a mind cult rather than a physical cult in a commune, getting out was a gradual process.

When I began talking about my story almost ten years ago, it was hard on my parents. They didn’t see our experience as negatively as I did. They didn’t call the organization we were part of a cult. They felt like I was publicly condemning them. It’s been a journey, but we have been able to reach a place of reconciliation and agreement.

But there’s more.

Years after walking away from my cult and picking my way through twisted Scripture and lies, I still didn’t realize how religious I was. I didn’t recognized my own pride and behavior driven faith. Then my husband and I went through a really painful breakup with the church where he worked. We faced what I now see as religious trauma and spiritual abuse. It was the hardest season I’ve ever faced and it broke me. I began to rethink my beliefs and faith once again. I started to take a closer look at this thing called Evangelical Christianity as I realized many traditions and expectations within the average modern church were just a milder version of what I experienced in my cult. In a place of brokenness and humility, I was able to listen to people I disagreed with and understand their hearts. I began to seek for the Awkward Middle Way. I became more comfortable inhabiting a place of paradox and tension, grace and truth.

I guess you could say I’ve deconstructed and reconstructed into a place of edgy orthodoxy. I hold fast to the core creeds of the faith, but I’m also willing to question any and all religion and tradition.

With that, let’s talk about deconstruction.

I hope that many of you reading this post found it because someone you love is deconstructing their faith. They might have started asking a lot of uncomfortable questions. Maybe they have left the church or joined a more progressive church. Perhaps they have even deconverted and no longer call themselves a Christian at all.

I want to take a moment to recognize your pain. You grieve for them and you probably feel rejected as well. I know my parents did. They did what they thought was the best thing for their family out of love and conviction, and I was calling it an abusive cult. It was not an easy season. If you are a parent right now, I want you to know that I hear you. I’ve sat with mothers who’ve told me through tears that they did everything they could. They took their children to church and youth group, talked about the Bible at home, tried to be real about their own relationship with Jesus, and their child(ren) are still abandoning the faith. I see your pain and your fear. It’s real. I also want to reassure you.

Deconstruction is a buzz word right now that not everyone understands.

Some people are afraid of it, and from that fear they condemn it. But deconstruction is not something to fear. When we deconstruct, we are reducing something to its individual pieces. I wrote a poem to define deconstruction that you might find helpful. Taking apart our beliefs and examining them is an important part of the faith process. And just because everyone is talking about it right now, doesn’t make it new. Historical Christians have referenced dark nights of the soul for hundreds of years.

In all honesty, I believe that our current version of Evangelical Christianity needs to be taken apart and reexamined. We have added an impressive amount of traditions and opinions over the years and declared them to be gospel truth. We have created an entire culture complete with media and music. And I am increasingly concerned that we are missing the Real Jesus. I am suspicious that we might be the Pharisees in this story and not actually the disciples. That is why I’m not afraid of the deconstruction movement. I know that there is a Living God behind it all, who is seeking and finding His children. We might just need to give it time and wait patiently.

While we wait, here are three things we can do for the people we love who are deconstructing their faith:

1. Humbly Ask Questions

It is easy to feel threatened and get defensive when someone is questioning beliefs we hold dear. But most likely their deconstruction is not personal. It’s easy to think that our perspective is right, but it’s actually just our own perspective which is biased. To get an accurate picture we need multiple perspectives. We need to ask questions and dig deep without giving answers, becoming defensive, or making excuses. Just because someone went to the same church or youth group, or was part of the same organization, doesn’t mean that they had the same experiences. Asking open ended questions will make our loved one feel seen and valued. When they can share without criticism or condemnation, they will feel safe.

2. Actively Listen to Their Story

Asking humble questions is a vital part of actively listening to someone and hearing their reasons for deconstructing. People don’t just pull apart core beliefs for the fun of it — they have a good reason. And if we will take the time to hear and listen, we might be surprised at how much we understand. Active listening means leaning in, nodding, making eye contact, and saying “uh-huh” but not much else. This isn’t the time to preach, try to convince, or share our truth. It is the time to listen to their story, to their reasonings, and to their heart. You will probably discover that your loved one is deconstructing because there are things to deconstruct! They have genuine concerns. They are seeing things that maybe we are ignoring.

And just a reminder, we don’t need to change people. The Holy Spirit is perfectly capable of seeking, and finding, and speaking truth on His own. In this situation, we need to let Him do His work while we show grace and love. I’d hate for my nagging voice to be the reason someone can’t hear God’s whisper.

3. Be the One Willing to Change

When I first encountered authors who were questioning the faith, I rejected them. This was before my own brokenness from religious trauma at church. I got defensive, I refused to read their stories, and I was sure they were wrong. But when my own life fell apart and I experienced the dark side of church, I was ready to listen. And guess what? I’m the one who changed.

People are deconstructing right now because there are things to deconstruct. There are beliefs we’ve held dear that aren’t actually Biblical, traditions we’ve added that are man-made, and formulas we’ve created that are complete lies. Rethinking faith is scary. Admitting we were wrong can be terrifying. But what if we are holding tighter to dogma than to Jesus?

Jesus was the ultimate deconstructor of His time. How many times did He say, “You have heard it said…, but I say to you…?” How many questions did He ask the Pharisees and religious leaders? How many human-made traditions did He blatantly disregard? We don’t need to fear deconstruction, we need to embrace the chance to reexamine and re-center our faith.

If you would like more information and resources, I’ve written pretty extensively about deconstruction and faith on my website. You can listen to my podcast, Looking for the Real God or subscribe to my bi-weekly newsletter at the link below.

The Real God is moving right now — tearing down lies, shaking up tradition, and awakening His church — just like He always does. In the midst of your pain and uncertainty, I hope you can cling to that truth. He is not done, and He always goes after the lost sheep. 🙂