When Life Falls Apart

“Is any of this real? Does God really exist? If He does, is He really good? Does He really love me?” I sat at my desk, mind reeling, stomach in knots, staring at my phone, the recent call playing in my head.

Have you been here? I have, more than once. The place of heartbreak, disbelief, doubt, questions… It’s not fun. It hurts. It’s hard!

I was a couple of years out of the cult, had been on my own for about six months, was going to college, and working as a live-in nanny for a challenging family. It had been a hard six months. I did not love my job, at all. Suddenly, I discovered my dream job working with troubled teens! God brought it into my life in a way that HAD to be Him. I applied and got an interview; it was all going so perfectly! God was going to bless my hard work and faithfulness by giving me the job of my dreams! (Or so I thought.) But, then the phone call came…they hired someone else.

I thought I had a strong faith, until the bottom fell out. Now I was questioning, doubting, struggling with my beliefs…

Guess what? That was twelve years ago when I was a young (less mature) college student, but I just had a similar struggle this morning! (And there have been plenty in-between!) Doubt happens. This world hurts.

I don’t know what you are feeling today or what has happened to you. Maybe its the death of a loved one too soon, cancer or other illness, someone you love is still making bad choices, prayers that have gone unanswered for years… Or maybe you are just looking at the mess this world is in and feeling discouraged and drained.

Is God really real? Is He really good? What do we do with our questions and doubts?

I honestly don’t have any perfect answers, just my own experiences and the beliefs I cling to despite my doubt.

I think we embrace the doubt and we ask the questions. Don’t feel guilt or shame for doubting. If God is real, then He is big enough to handle them. And if He is good, then He will love us anyway and understand our struggling humanity. We wrestle through our emptiness and look at what the Bible says and the evidence around us. We remember the things God has done in us and others over the years and the prayers He has answered. I like to find someone who I know will speak truth to me, someone who will love me and not judge or condemn, someone who’s faith is stronger than mine at the moment, and I ask them to encourage me. But…

Ultimately, I just have to choose to believe.

Every time life falls apart… when I don’t get the job, when my babies died, when my prayers don’t get answered, when the childhood friend I’ve loved and prayed for forever still doesn’t love Jesus, when my husband and I are fighting or when he disappoints me, when people hurt me, when death happens… I have to choose to believe.

I choose to believe in the God I know exists even when I can’t feel Him. I believe in His goodness, and sovereignty (that He never loses control), and love for me. I believe that He has a plan and that nothing can stop Him. I believe that Jesus is always the answer. I hold on with determination even when I can’t feel Him. And so far, every time, He has come through, and met me, and held me. This strengthens my faith for the next time.

Where are you on the journey? Are you struggling? Doubting? Questioning? Determinedly holding on? Choosing faith? Trusting? Can you feel Him holding you?

I really didn’t want to write this blog this morning. I was a mess and I didn’t have anything to say. Then Jesus came, just in time, and now I get to write in humility and vulnerability. 🙂 I might be passionate, but I am not perfect. Not by a long shot! But I believe in the God who is!